The one of the few times I disagree with Michael Baisden

One of the articles on this morning’s newsfeed digest was that “friends with benefits are the worst idea ever”. No joke, that’s the article name. Google it.

Oh, what-the-fuck-ever. Give me a damn break. Just because one “scientist” didn’t have hers work out, she suddenly claims the entire idea is crap. It’s rare that I see bullshit of such a degree, and it’s also rare I disagree with Michael Baisden, who’s a big fan of claiming that ‘in the meantime sex’ takes away from you finding The One.

The ‘article’ is nonsense, in no uncertain terms. And while I find that my opinion and Michael Baisden’s usually run in a similar vein, I firmly disagree with the mentality of all about finding The One, which Baisden often talks about right after he says “Be honest with yourself about the sort of person you are and what you look for in relationships.” Well, what if that person doesn’t believe in The One and has a pretty excellent time of friends with benefits, and has absolutely no desire or need to seek out anything more involving than that? What then?

Personal experience: one of my best relationships was not a relationship at all! And guess what: it was a friendship with benefits, where the benefits lasted for six years and the friendship endures to this day for now the eighth year running. And the guy and I know very well that, had he not met his current girlfriend, whom he adores and is happy with, we would’ve had another six years, and six more thereafter. But you know what – life had other plans. I’m happy for him; he knows my adventuring spirit only too well and knows I’m just as happy singled as he is coupled. This is what the friendship of the friendship with benefits works like. And how did he and I work this out? We discussed it from day one. A lot of interesting things happen when you talk about something thoroughly: including but not limited to actually working on things and sustaining a great friendship, with or without the benefits.

And yet, it’s all about “the one”. Yawn. And friends with benefits is the “worst” idea. Ho-hum times two. Really, people. If you’re going to be honest with yourselves, that’s awesome, but please don’t publish a BS “study” about how something that works for people other than yourself doesn’t work. It undermines your own credibility, and not to mention, pisses off quite a bit of folks.

I’ve written time and again about how I will not start a relationship until and unless I have something to bring to the table apart from being a workaholic and how I absolutely refuse to have my personal life take precedence over the rest of my life. Readers mine, if you only knew the giggles I have when I explain to other people that my personal life is not and never will be a priority. Seriously. They all wonder what’s wrong with me that I’m single at nearly thirty years of age and childfree, and they all wonder how it is that I’m not miserable and pining for a may-yun, because the mere idea of happiness on one’s own is outside their comfort zone. Oh, good gravy, folks, please pull your heads out of your inner Puritan. Single doesn’t mean celibate. And my FWB – who is still every bit as good a friend now as he was before the benefits even started – has been the sole normal relationship on my personal record. If it didn’t work, and if it’s such a terrible idea, then those six years wouldn’t have been anywhere near as fantastic as they were.

Don’t put an opinion up and label it science, folks. Doesn’t work that way.

Plus, there’s one huge, major benefit to a friendship with benefits: trust. What you may not consider is the incredible amount of trust you’re placing in your friend to satisfy your needs without the emotional quagmire involved in such a situation, and the likewise trust your friend is placing in you as well. A friendship with benefits takes an amount of trust that is very rare to see and takes a huge amount of effort to develop, build, and sustain, and if the situation is handled well and discussed thoroughly, that trust only builds further. If the friendship is sound, and if you trust each other, and actually discuss what you’re setting out to do, then believe me when I say that you will have a vastly further understanding of not only each other, but yourself. You learn a lot about trust when you are in a FWB situation.

Bet that never got considered in those “studies”.



2 thoughts on “The one of the few times I disagree with Michael Baisden

  1. That “scientist” should be ashamed to call themselves one. I have to disagree with the theory of The One in the terms of the way people think of it. They think literally of The Absolute One, but I think people can find The One at different points in their life as people are always evolving into different people so they’re never the same at any point in their lives. But of course, for some people The One is not one person, it can be multiple(ie poly relationships), it can be a friend that you’ve had a platonic relationship for ages, and so on. As to FWBs for some people they work, but I agree with your assessments that they hinge largely on trust on both ends and putting out there expectations from day one, and I definitely disagree with Michael Baisden’s thoughts about sex — that’s just silly.

    1. The thing is, Baisden generally has the right idea: openness, equality. But he’s one of those people who tries to get sexual freedom and chivalry to go hand in hand. That never works. You can’t be open and equal sexually and at the same time try and cling to the idea of the knight in shining armor protecting the damsel in distress. It doesn’t work, and it’s purely hypocritical, but unfortunately, that’s actually a huge chunk of the world’s culture as a whole. For all our progress in equality of the sexes, whether in bed or outside of it, people still try their damndest to cling onto chivalrous ideas. I see the end result of it on too regular a basis – and that’s actually the other reason I’ve not had a relationship. Apart from lack of wanting, the idea that I need “rescuing” because I’m female is pretty much the fastest way to turn me off, and 90% of the men I met all believe that. UGH.

      In reality, you can’t have it both ways. Either you’re open and open-minded and equal, or you’re into chivalry. You can’t have that particular cake and eat it too.

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